Every man has a woman in his life, who understood him better than the one he married. It wasn’t for a lack of trying why they parted. It was simply, because they were too alike to make it work.
And of all the women I’ve ever made it with, Caroline was the one who understood how I worked the most.
Because it was clear as day, that her mind was as messed up as I was.
In fact, Caroline’s was stronger than mine. In both, how she managed her afflictions, and those afflictions manifested themselves outwards.
I mustered up a lot of sympathy for her plight, but really, it was her who pitied me.
We met like we always do in this age — Tinder. She lived just a few blocks away from me, which was a pleasant surprise, and we’d been talking for a few weeks straight. I had bad insomnia, and was staying up all night, then heading off to my job, at a bad time in my life. She was drug addicted, and unable to work at her job as a residential care worker — so she smoked weed. A ton of it.
I called her one night. One of our epic hours long calls. I could always tell when her illness could come up. And, if I was careful, and stayed compassionately calm, I could talk her down off the ledge. She wouldn’t lash out any more. Her voice would become serene. She’d understand I cared about her. Love really is as transformative as it is cruel.
This was not that night.
“Why are you such a cunt to me sometimes? You know the world ain’t such a bad place Caroline. Not everyone is out to get you.”
“I don’t know. It’s fucking easier this way. You irritate me so fucking bad!”
She hung up. I called her back.
“How’d you feel about meeting me this morning?”
“… yeah, alright”.
I put on black sweatpants, a black hoodie, black runners — but the beanie was navy blue. I drove over to hers before the sun came up. I felt a deep lying vigor reignite. When a man meets a woman, and there’s a mutual understanding of personalities, things change. Whole sentence go unsaid, because they don’t need to be said. It just needs to be experienced.
I texted her when I was out the front, and out she came. She lived at her mum’s (who was selling the house) and frankly, the significance that this was temporary wasn’t lost on me. Hell, all women are temporary. They’re around, until they turn on you for their own reasons, or you find another more exciting woman to gravitate to.
“What the fuck do you mean what’s up? That’s just stupid” she said.
That hair of hers was a like a neglected bird’s nest, but made out of hay. You’ll be surprised at what you can remember, especially when you’re starved of love. What I liked most about Caroline wasn’t the layer of light, tiny freckles on her face. It was the fact, we both knew this wouldn’t work, but were curious enough to enjoy each other’s company before it failed.
“Cool, well, how’s your morning?” I said.
“Well how’s yours?”
“It’s just getting started. We’re going to McDonalds, by the way.”
“I’m not eating.”
“I didn’t ask for your opinion, never mind what you were eating.”
“You’re such a fucking dick.”
We got to the McDonald’s drive through down the road, and I ordered a Medium McMuffin meal with a coffee, she got a hamburger.
She told me all about her past relationship with some miscreant, who cheated on her, promised he loved her, she dumped him and she never loved again. It was a poor tale, but then again, they all are.
I didn’t want to tell her about my faults. They paled in significance at the time. I figured, I’d rather be supportive and listen, win a few arguments with her.
By the time we finished our meals, I was kissing her wet lips, in the car park as the morning sun glowed brightly. I didn’t give a fuck about the tradies in their vans around us, cracking wise, leering at us eating their burgers — I only wanted to learn what it was like to kiss Caroline. She was it that day.
Every woman, it doesn’t who, or where, or why, you feel what they’ve done in their lives by how they kiss. Some are timid with the tongue, others bite and suck. You’ll find a few have an inability to stretch their mouth all that wide, to where it’s embarrassing and painful. This girl was me though. Overwhelmingly pressing. Wet with an aggressive tongue, that violently slammed on the brakes and slipped into a sensual, caring mode. It changed the dynamic of the kiss completely. That was how I liked to kiss. And she was the first to mirror that and match me.
Was I kissing myself? Who the fuck knows. I was underslept, and looked like an extra in one of Tupac’s New York music videos. I felt like a man.
We ended up at a local park, as I drived through the housing estate where I lived and parked my car in some foreign block.
She wore a old sheepskin coat, with the fluffy fur poking out underneath, with tight leggings that showed her ass, and slip on ugg boots.
I walked behind her staring. This was a day where the God’s smiled on me.
We walked around through one of the local parks, flirted sensationally, among the gum trees, making our way to some wooden platform that stood in front of a fenced double story house.
We small talked some more, until we both kissed each other even more aggressively. I felt her legs and her thighs underneath her leggings. The fabric made whatever I touched even better. This was a ravenous hunger that was getting filled and I really wanted to fuck her.
In amongst the making out, I realised that she really was a sweet girl at heart. She was combative only because it was part of her chemical makeup. She couldn’t help insulting people, or lashing out in anger. I understood it needed great patience to hold a comfortable space for her, as a friend or lover. After all, don’t we all need someone to make us feel safe, even when our darkest insecurities rise to the top? I kissed her deeper, and grabbed more of her ass. It was my way of comforting her.
We kissed and dry humped for about 30 minutes, before I realised somebody was probably watching the display in the house behind us. And I had to head off to work. Today was too good of a day to let the anxiety of a late arrival at work spoil it.
I drove Caroline to at her house, feeling like a man the whole way through as Childish Gambino played on the radio. She re-introduced me to him. He was her favorite.
When I dropped her off, we kiss again… then she opened the door, stood at it and smiled at me. I knew by that smile, she wanted to see me sooner rather than later.
Then she waltzed off, and left me hard in my car.
Then I drove to work.